Transcript Ep79 Short Quote Collection


This transcript has not been edited for accuracy yet. But

it’s my Winter’s Crest gift to you. Short quotes may be added after Thordak

flies off, but mostly that’s a long transcript.

If you like this transcript, please consider donating to Critical Role Transcripts, @CRTranscript, to help them provide

closed captioning to Critical Role. We’d like to share this wonderful show with

as many people as possible, regardless of hearing ability or English language


Transcript method notes:

Episode URL:

Percy Regrets so many things

22:37 Percy: “I’m regretting so many things right now.

Not you. Oh god! I shouldn’t avoid my family, it leads to dragons.”

Larkin is not with you

22:51 Matt: “In all of your focus, and all of your

arrival, and the crawl into this, and Thordak,”

Travis: “On, no.”

Matt: “none of you noticed that Larkin is not with


Laura: “No surprise there!”

Laura: “Piece of shit.”

Keyleth: “Piece of shit.”

Laura: “God! I’m really sure that she’s going to fuck


Thordak killed the Twin’s mom confirmed

46:01 Matt of Vex: “So as you rush past, looking up

into the face of the creature that you know for certain seeing it there, this

is the creature that brought your mother to her end, and half the city of

Byroden to the south. And as the anger swells into you and mixes with the surge

of adrenalin in your body, and you don’t even feel the momentum, your hands

just instinctually go through all the motions of training, all the years you

just fwuph, fwuph, as each arrow target’s loosed, there’s this fuzz, this

numbness around, as your hatred is focused, so clear, on this drag’s head. And

then shweup, the air rushes back to your lungs, and you slam your back into the

wall,” two heavy breaths, “preparing for your next round.”

So you prayed at him?

[Vax flies up to Thordak and Cast’s Vow of Enmity]

47:44 Sam: “So you prayed at him? Good job.”

48:54 Liam: “It gives me advantage on every attack,

sneak attack on every attack, whether there’s someone next to him or not. So

take your joke and shove it up your butt, man.”

Sam: “I always do.”

♪Thordak the Cinder King, had

a very shiny Gem♪

54:11 Sam: “I’ll inspire Percy. I’ll sing him a lovely

Christmas song.”

♪You know Raishan and Vorugal,

the Frigid doom♪

♪Brimscythe, and Umbrasil, we

killed in his room♪

♪But do you recall, the most furtive

dragon of all♪

♪Thordak the Cinder King♪

♪Had a very shiny Gem♪

♪And if you ever saw it, saw it♪

♪Run the fuck away from him♪

Is that all you’ve got? Yes

56:10 Thordak: “Is this all you’ve got?”

Scanlan, nodding: “Actually yes. That is my biggest

thing. So, yes.”

Thordak, menacingly: “Good.”

Scanlan cowers, quietly: “Nee!”

Map direction

57: 26 Taliesin: “I’m going to take a deep breath and

shoot as far directly north as possible. Or I suppose for you it would be

south, down the map towards that building on the far corner. I’m just going to

run in that direction.”

Raishan Enters the Fray

1:00:42 Matt: “At this point, you see now, you watch as

through the clouds, this winged figure comes, and-”

Liam: “Get ‘em girl.”

Laura: Mother-!“

Liam: “Look how easy she is.”

Matt: “Lands on this distant building,”

Laura: “Now,”

Marisha: “Is she going to fucking help us!?”

Laura: “moment of truth! Moment of truth!”

Sam: “This is it!”

Marisha: “Fuckin’ help us!”

Matt: “As the impact happens, you watch as Thordak

turns and grins.”

Thordak, “There you are. Oh, you’re going to taste so


Matt: “Raishan grins from the side.”

Raishan: “Not to worry, my King.”

Sam: “Oh shit, that doesn’t sound good.”

Laura: “I can’t tell what she’s gonna do!”

Sam: “Is she lying? She’s a deceitful one.”

Liam: “Stupid tension play.”

Matt, who’s been looking something up in the book: “At

this point she going to–hold up- ah, there we go there’s the spell sheet;

yay!–she is going to go ahead and move right there. Gets right up onto the

building that you guys are hiding behind. As you feel the rubble and rock

tumble around you, you look up and you can see the giant leathery-green wings

unfurl. She inhales her chest, expanding,”

Sam: “Oh god, oh god, oh god…”

Matt mimics a dragon’s breath weapon. Everyone screams in


Matt: “and you see a giant cloud of poisonous gas

released in the direction of Thordak.”

[chatter, funny as it was]

1:02:21 Matt: “Does not make his s- Wait, this is a

poison- no, it’s a constitution, ooh, he does make that, he does make that. So,

take 38 points of poison damage. As Thordak rears from the attack,”

Thordak: Angry, sputtering growls, “Oh, you’ll die

especially painfully.” Snarling growl.

Keyleth doesn’t take orders from Raishan, but knows a good plan

1:03:11 Matt: “As Raishan’s like,”

Raishan: “Now, get in! Circle and finish this!”

1:03:27 Marisha: “I turn to Raishan, and I say,”

Keyleth: “I don’t take orders from you! I’m only doing

this because it’s a good plan!”

Zahra taught Keyleth about Hentai

1:04:01 Marisha: “I’m going to attempt slimy doom. In

honor of Zahra! And her teaching us about hentai! She taught me what that was

the night before the fight.”

Thordak is crazy. Or is he?

1:25:44 Matt, after Vex’s attack: “So, the final arrow

releases and gets stuck up under one of the scales, on the side where its

shoulder and body hits, and the dragon Thordak turns,”

Thordak: Angry snarl, then a deranged laugh, then pouting


Sam: “Oh god, look at those faces.”

Most of the players are caught in Matt’s story. Taliesin is

more carefully reading Matt.

Taliesin: “Way too many emotions happening there.”

Thordak: “Don’t worry, we’ll take them down.”

Joyfully, falling to an angry growl, “All of them! Each and every


Laura: “He’s crazy as fuck.”

Marisha: “That’s Thordak?”

Sam: “Strait up crazy.”

Taliesin, slowly, with dawning realization: “No. He’s


Laura: “Who is he talking about?”

Marisha: “Who is he talking to?”

Only Sam trusts Raishan

2:27:36 Sam, after Raishan attacked Thordak: “Ah,

that’s good! That’s our girl!”

Taliesin, oh, that’s ours, okay.“

Sam: “That’s our girl, that’s our dragon.”

Taliesin: “For the moment.”

Sam: “We have exactly one ally dragon in this fight

right now.”

Taliesin: “Who’s going to turn on us at any


Liam shakes his head at Sam.

Travis: “Don’t you- I will pop all your knuckles.”

Sam: “No, we do, she’s great, she’s great.”

Laura: “I do not understand you right-”

Travis: “I will pop all your knuckles right now.”

Liam, towards Sam: “Last thing we do in this fight is

all turn on you.”

Marisha: “The last thing we do is we die. We see a

Bronze Dragon show up.”

Laura: “We’re all dead on the ground and Scanlan is

like,” joyfully spreads out her arms and grins.

My friends are gonna fucking kill you today you FUCK!

1:29:44 Liam: “Curve over his- Oh! No! Sword’s in his


Vax: “My friends are gonna fucking kill you today you

FUCK!” Liam mimics wrenching out the sword.“

Liam: “Reach over his head, and away.”

Matt: “The blade, which has jammed itself in the

cheekbone under the eye of the dragon, as you draw it out, there’s a streak of

dragon blood, and the dragon’s just,”

Thordak: Angry roar turning into a deranged laugh

Matt: “You arc over. As you do, he snaps, reaches up

with his jaws,” he mimics snapping jaws with his arms, “reaches up to

try and bite you. That is a 21 to hit.”

Liam: “No.”

Matt: “The jaws snap in the air, just as you coast

through with your wings. And where are you-?”

Liam: “I’ll slam down, if I can, behind the building,

behind his big, fat ass.”

Matt: “Sure.”

Laura: “I whisper on the earing,”

Vex: “That’s my brother! That’s my brother.”

Matt: “You do get an Attack of Opportunity from the- on

no, you disengaged from the uh-”

Liam: “I didn’t disengage.”

Matt: “No, that’s right, so the fire elemental actually

would have gotten an Attack of Opportunity on you. That is a…”

Laura: “It would be funny if after all that he just

knocks you unconscious.”

Liam: “No even.”

Matt: “That’s a 20.”

Liam: “No.”

Matt: “ Yeah, misses.”

Laura: “Oh, so you’re still invulnerable.”

Liam: “Yeah.”

Percy, through the earing: “Vax, it might be worth

taking a peak in that crater when you get a second.”

Vax, through the earing: “Working on it, working on


It’s a like Thursday

2:31:43 Matt: “Jarret, who is currently scared out of

his wits,”

Travis: “Just get your shit together, man.”

Sam: “Jarret, do you need some Thudde?”

Travis: “Spice?”

Taliesin: “Spice?”

Matt: “Heh, he’s like,”

Jarrett: “What, no, why would you-?”

Scanlan: “Well, you look crazy right now?”

Jarrett, yells: “Look at that!”

Scanlan: “It’s like… It’s like a Thursday.”

Roses are red

2:36:29 Scanlan: “I’ll Cutting Words this with a poem I

make up on the spot.

Roses are red

Violets are blue

I’m a gnome

and you’re an asshole

The Gem Shatters, Thordak withers


Vax lands on Thordak’s head

2:51:30 Liam: “Think I’m up.”

Matt: “Yep.”

“I’m going to arch up and land on his head.”

[With Whisper, 45 damage. With Dragon Slayer, 25 damage.]

5:53:23 Liam: “And I will stay there.”

Laura: “This is going to be bad. We need to take

Raishan out.”

Scanlan, play the flute

2:58:39 Sam: “That was my Bonus Action. Well shit, I

have an action. I can do anything. I can do anything!”

Travis: “Yeah, you can play the fuckin’ flute!”

Sam: I could- huh? What flute?“

Liam: “What are you saving it for!?”

Marisha, shouting, “Why are you saving it!?”

Sam: “I play a shawm.”

Laura, shouting: “Why!? Why won’t you play the


Travis, sarcastically: “Shawm, shawm, right, I get the

pronunciation wrong.”

Laura: “We’re going to have to fight Raishan in a


Marisha: “This is far from over.”

Taliesin: “And whatever’s in that pit, and whatever’s

in that pit.”

Pour stuff in Pike

3:00:21 Sam: “I moved to Pike to pour stuff in


Cast cracks up.

Sam, defensively: “I did not mean that in any weird way.”

Impishly, “I poured stuff in her mouth.”

Vax gets indirect

3:01:23 Taliesin: “I’m just going to throw… Oh forget

it, I’ll throw 4 charges of Kabal’s Ruin in there. Let’s just do it.”

Matt: “It’s an additional 4d6 damage.”

Liam: “Am I electrified sitting on its big head?”

Taliesin: “Technically speaking, no. The way that this

works, it’s like a Tesla arc, so it wouldn’t technically…”

Marisha: “It just vibrates a little. Feels nice.”

Taliesin: “You’ll feel tingly.”

Matt: “Your nipples get a little pointy.”

Marisha: “Sittin’ on a washer.”

Vax: “Do it again, Percy.”

Taliesin: Sighs, “Bloody fanart.”

3:02:05 [Sam deliberately screws up Taliesin’s die counting

by looming over him, and then counting up the wring numbers.]

Taliesin: “You’re like everything I hate about Overwatch.”

Raishan his Vax with Chain Lightening

3:05:29 Matt: “Raishan does not get her breath back,

however she is going to utilize chain lightening.”

Matt clearly looks up the spell, and scans it.

Marisha: “Yeah, I want to see how this works.”

Sam: “Oh, Raishan.”

Laura: “It’s going to have to hit us. Won’t that hit

us? No, she controls what it hits.”

Sam: “She’s still on our side, right?”

Taliesin: “For another round or two.”

Marisha: “Yeah…”

Matt: “Alright, Chain Lightening: Dexterity Saving

Throw. That’s a success for Thordak.”

Sam: “Still takes some damage.”

Matt: “Trying to roll this quickly here, sorry.” Mumbles

to himself as he reads.

Liam: Travis, and Taliesin are watching Matt like

something’s fishy. Laura’s is deep listening mode.

Matt: “Okay. So, that is halved. Oh, no wait, halved is

21- no, that’s 18 points of lightening damage.”

3:06:22 Matt: “Vax, make a dexterity saving


From their body language and expressions, all the players immediately

catch that that shouldn’t be happening.

Travis: “8 seconds too late.”

Liam: “I’m going to use Luck. Good time to use Luck.


Matt: “26, okay. You suffer 18 points of lightening


Liam: “Okay.”

Matt: “As the bolt of energy that strikes Thordak, then

arcs into you because you’re right next to it.”

Liam: “Would this be a new round for me to use evasion?

I’ve lost track.”

Matt: “Uh…”

Laura: “I don’t think- Because Thordak’s already


Matt: “No, you’ve already used it.”

Liam: “Okay.”

A skirt situation

3:07:58 Laura: “Maybe you can jump and then-”

Matt: “The attack- you could climb up and cast it, if

you want to try that.”

Marisha: “No. I’m in, like, a skirt situation. It’s not


Sam: “I’m not even paying attention, so if that’s your


Marisha, nervously laughing: “Heh, heh, heh, no… It’s

just clumsy. I’m going to do- ARG! Everything’s not ideal right now.”

Taliesin: “No. Nothing’s good. Nothing’s-”

Liam: “You can climb.”

Laura: “Climb it! Climb it Keyleth!”

Liam: “C’mon, it’s fuckin’ end of the world.”

Marisha, stressed out: “It’s not like-”

Taliesin: “They don’t know.”

Marisha: “They don’t- Yeah, you don’t know. I’m not

good at that.”

Liam: “Okay.”

Marisha: “I’m bad at that thing.”

Liam: “Dexterity 2.”

Keyleth: “I am not a dexterous person”

Keyleth’s nagging ancestors

3:08:37 Marisha: “So instead, I’m gonna use my Spire of


Sam: “Oh yeah, that Vestige thing.”

Marisha, saltily, at the camera: “Look, I haven’t

forgotten about it, alright.”

Travis: “Who are you talking to right now?”

Marisha: “And then-”

Sam: “Brian Foster.”

Marisha: “Looks around, with a laugh, “My


Travis: “Okay.”

Brian’s “Ha!” can faintly be heard.

Keyleth Casts Chain Lightening at Thordak, Vax doesn’t take Damage

3:08:57 Marisha: “And then I’m going to do Chain

Lightening on Thordak.”

Matt: “Okay.”

Liam, conspiratorially: “Yeaaah!” He starts

watching Matt with a “what are you going to do here?” grin.

Marisha is also studying Matt closely while fidgeting

(unusual for her).

Sam: “Oh! Another Chain!”

Laura: “Nice!”

Matt: “Alrighty. Thordak’s save is… 19.”

Marisha: Gasps. “Fail, motherfucker!”

Matt: “Thordak’s going to use his second…”

Sam: “Legendary resistance.”

Matt: “Legendary resistance to make it.”

Liam, head cocked to the side with “game’s up smile”,

softly but snidely: “Do I get to do anything?”

Marisha: “Fine. That’s fine.”

Matt pointing to Liam, then Marisha: “One second, roll


Liam narrows his eyes, then nods towards Matt with a smug, “I

knew it,” grin. He’s a bit alarmed at the amount of damage Marisha roles,

but is scrutinizing Matt, to see if he’ll end up taking it. Most of his body

language says, “Gig’s up, We’ve got your shit figured out.” But there

are a couple brief flashes of doubt at high numbers or reactions.

[Marisha roll’s a “hateful” amount of damage: 48. Sam

tries to be helpful on the math.

3:10:09 Matt: “So halved, that is 24 points of

lightening damage.”

Marisha, sarcastically faking confusion: “And there’s

no one else around within 30 feet of him other than Raishan.”

Matt: “Raishan’s not even in that range.”

Marisha: “No one else?”

Matt: “Yeah.”

Marisha: “Well… Okay, I do that.”

Liam gives Matt a wide “you clever, deceitful

bastard” grin.

Pretty sure Laura and Travis are also entirely aware of what

Keyleth just confirmed. Laura says something to Travis that might be,


You don’t know numbers. Maybe it’ll work.

3:13:06 Laura: “Don’t you have the Boots of Jumping?”

Travis: “Yeah, but I can only jump 20 feet in the air.

15 feet in the air.”

Liam: “That’ll do it, won’t it?”

Travis: “He’s 40 feet in the air.”

Liam: “Yeah, get you to 25.”

Sam: “You don’t know numbers. Maybe it’ll work.”

Travis: “These hieroglyphs seem to indicate that he’s

too high.”

Thordak flies into the hole, Vax rides along


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.