i always thought that “they/them” was gender neutral and therefore could be used for any gender though? like she/they he/they or just they? it doesn’t necessarily mean that person ONLY goes by they/them? like I’ll use it when I’m not sure what gender someone is, as kind of an umbrella pronoun. was that wrong of me?

Good question! They/them is the polite pronoun set to use when you don’t know. In that context, think of it like “that person in the red shirt.” Maybe you are a person who always wears a red shirt and that is what you want to be know for (or is your only defining feature as a Star Trek character). But I’m guessing what you’d really like is for your proper name (and pronouns) to be used. If I know you use “they” and I call you “she”
every time despite persistent correction,

you would be right to be pissed at me. And likewise I know you use “she” and I call you “they” every time, you also would be right to be pissed at me.

So if you don’t know, they/them will do until you can clarify (or you forget and need to find out). But if you do know the proper pronouns, use the proper pronouns. Just like you’d use someone’s proper name.