Analysis & Transcript: Fjord is ashamed of losing his abilities – CR C2 Ep62 1:56:49

I really sympathize with Fjord right now. As someone whose had their abilities and their old life taken from them, who thinks every day about what they cost their loved ones, this is a powerful and intensely real narrative.

That denial and shame are horrible. It’s awful and terrifying feeling like everything you’ve been working for, everything you’ve wanted, all your cool new friends just have to go away because suddenly your abilities are gone or intermittent. Having all your hope taken away overnight. Wanting it to go away because you don’t have another solution. Confessing that it’s happening feels like defeat. You know it can’t just go on. It’s not like you can really hide it, and you know it’s going to just blow up in your face but saying it out loud makes it feel real. Travis is playing it really beautifully.

Fjord doesn’t know how to make it better. He doesn’t think his friends know how to make it better. Marisha suggested, “Well, look, you could have been our Caddy Shack for a few episodes, and we would have gone and got your powers back. We just quest for powers.” (TM for C2 Ep061 0:36:28) Travis incredulously replies, “How do you do that? How do you think you do that? Where is Uk’otoa to you?” He thinks telling them will only worry them and squander their resources. Especially when they could be out solving solvable problems. They don’t need this. It’s his.

He feels like he has to tell his friends he has to quit, and he’ll never get something like this back again if he does. If his friends ask him to stay, he’ll feel like a burden. His abandonment issues are telling him his friends will only stay as long as he benefits them, and he nether deserves nor can expect loyalty. “Yeah, they’ll think less of him. Who wouldn’t, right? Everybody needs to be able to- No, Dani, they would! You’ve gotta pull your own weight in this group.” (Travis, TM for C2 Ep61 0:35:26)

Caleb tells him, “I would feel better knowing who you are because I don’t trust that I do.” (Ep62 1:58:01) Fjord winces hard. He doesn’t know how to answer that. He knows the person he hated being. He knows who he remade himself to be for them. But not who he is now.

He keeps his eyes closed after that line. He’s really struggling inside. Caleb says, “What do you think? We’re going to chase you out of here? Run you off?” (Ep 62 1:59:00) Fjord grimly and painfully smiles. that’s exactly what he thinks is going to happen. He’s deeply afraid of being abandoned.

Caleb continues, “I find it hard to believe that anything you would tell me, maybe I’m wrong, but is worse than what is inside my head.” Fjord shakes his head and responds, “Oh no, I don’t think that’s it at all.” Fjord’s not hiding the wrong he’s done; he’s hiding the shame of not being able.

Fjord shakes his head downcast and says, “It is not in me to speak about myself. It appears the same is true for you? I found myself reinvented when I woke up on that shore. When I wake up at night spitting up water, it’s reminders of a time when the rest of my life no longer mattered. Didn’t apply. I didn’t care for that life. Didn’t care for me. I prefer to leave it in the past. It’s not that I’m hiding anything from you, I… I don’t want to bring things from my old life into this one.” (Ep62 1:59:15)

On Talks Travis said, “I mean, from the day that happened until now, everything has been different and awesome because I can shoot shit out of my hands, and jump between planes, and change the way I look, and all of that. If you told me I’m just going back to being who I was before…” (TM for C2 Ep61 0:44:12)

Fjord hated being a weak kid treated like a monster, isolated and picked on by those around him. He tried to remake himself and put that behind him. As a sailor, he had a purpose, a crew, and a captain at his back, but that was taken away in an instant. He washed up on the shore with a new chance. Those old lives could have nothing to do with his new one. He finally had power. He could be anyone he wanted, someone people feared or respected. “All these powers, when he has them, are defining who he is, right? It was really not anything close to that before. […] Plus, people look to him in a… looked to him in a leadership role for a while. That’s new to him, too.” (TM for C2 Ep61 0:33:40) He likes the result. “Fjord has fallen in love a little bit with the idea of who this new version of himself is.” (Travis, TM for C2 Ep61 0:42:46) “As long as things stay the way they are he’s pretty comfortable with this new life and family. But shit changes sometimes.” (TM for C2 Ep61 0:54:49)

He feels like his new life is being stolen. He’s terrified he’ll have to go back to a life he left behind, this time with the knowledge of what it was like to be free. He genuinely can’t handle how bad that sounds, how trapped he feels. It’s a tossup if it’s worse if Uk’otoa kills him or abandons him.

Caleb worries about Fjord’s past coming back to hurt them. He wants to know what he’s up against so he can defend them from it. Fjord reassures him his past is no danger to anyone else. He doesn’t think Sabian is after him, he was just a bystander to a different plot that’s over now.

Fjord knows he needs to tell them something, but after a lifetime of needing to protect himself, he doesn’t know how. “I appreciate you wanting to know more. I almost resent you for… telling us as much as you have. Anyone for sharing their pain. Seems like the last thing I would ever want to do… […] Give me some time. I do not want to share this with the group.” (Ep 62 2:02:41) His vulnerability has always been exploited to hurt him. He doesn’t know how to trust this love and speak.

He says, “I feel like sometimes you hold onto things that make you who you are, and if you lose those things, you can fall free.” (Ep62 2:03:54) Caleb implores him, “We can remake ourselves into something better.” But Fjord responds, defeated, “Yeah, that’s what I- That’s what I thought I was doing.”

Fjord feels like he failed to remake himself twice. He doesn’t know where to go from here, who he is or who he could be that he’d even want to live with. He’s so split he says, “I find myselves on my heels in this room.” (Ep62 2:04:34) He feels like a collection of selves, his past lives, his present, and an unknown future. He tied his worth to his abilities and now he feels like both are in jeopardy.

Fjord says, “Please understand I am not trying to be deceptive. Just let me figure out how the fuck to say it, and let me come to you, and I will feel less like I have been… less like I’ve had something taken from me. Let me find a way to tell you. Please.” (Ep62 2:04:37) I believe he means that. He’s only lying because he’s lying to himself. He just wants this to get better or get easier because he doesn’t see any other positive way out.

Now, I do think Fjord’s wrong. He can’t know the being doing this to him still wants him in the story. His friends won’t abandon him, he is worth it, they’d be happy to help him figure it out, and they’ll do what they have to make sure he’s alright, abilities or no. He’s trapped by fear of the unknown right now. Part of him knows the only way forward is telling them. But the vulnerability and consequences all scare him, so he’s curled up into a ball of avoidance. His battle right now is pushing past that.

Caleb got more out than he knows. Fjord needed to hear it, especially from Caleb, who Fjord is most afraid will abandon him. (TM for C2 Ep61 0:36:04) This’ll do a lot to help him tell them, hopefully before they learn the hard way.

2:05:41 Fjord: “Thank you for… I was gonna say caring.”

Caleb: “That’s accurate. Give me your hand. I am not a good person, but we are friends. We are friends.”

Fjord: “We are friends.”

Caleb: “Alright. To be continued.”


Scene runs: 1:56:49 to 2:06:07

1:56:49 Matt: “After the shopping is complete and, Fjord, you’ve completed a run of some of your work throughout the city, you return, open the door to your chambers, and Caleb is there patiently waiting.”

Fjord, startled: “Goddamnit.”

Caleb, holding up his hand in an easing gesture: “Sorry.”

Fjord: “Meant to put locks on this shit.”

Caleb: “Sorry. I can help you out with that if you wish.”

Fjord: “What can I- what can I do for ya?”

1:57:12 Caleb, breathing deeply: “Why have you been talking to us with a fake accent for months?”

Fjord, looking quizzical and concerned: “I’m sorry?”

Caleb: “I’ve heard you do it a few times. I’ve heard a different voice come out of you.”

Fjord: “A different voice.”

Caleb: “Yeah, Fjord, a different voice.”

Fjord, taking a deep breath and slightly laughing with confusion: “I’m, uh, I’m afraid you’ve got me a little lost.”

Caleb, firmly: “I don’t think so.”

Fjord frowns.

Caleb: “And I am talking to you as one accomplished liar to another.”

There’s a long pause. Fjord shifts uncomfortably.

1:57:55 Fjord: “What do you, uh, what do you want me to say here?”

1:58:01 Caleb: “I held onto my garbage for a long time, and you don’t know all of it, and I am willing to tell you more. I would feel better knowing who you are because I don’t trust that I do.

Caleb: “I will tell you more if you want. I will go first if it’ll make it easier for you or you consider it a better trade, but we have bound ourselves together, and I feel like I know this group pretty well. I know Yasha better than you and she never fucking says anything.”

Sam, whispering: “I love you Ashley.”

Quiet laughter.

Liam, whispering: “So do I.”

1:59:00 Caleb: “What do you think, we’re going to chase you out of here? Run you off?

Caleb: “I find it hard to believe that anything you would tell me, maybe I’m wrong, but is worse than what is inside my head.”

1:59:15 Fjord, downcast, shaking his head: “Oh no, I don’t think that’s it at all. It is not in me to speak about myself. It appears the same is true for you? I found myself reinvented when I woke up on that shore. When I wake up at night spitting up water, it’s reminders of a time when the rest of my life no longer mattered. Didn’t apply. I didn’t care for that life. Didn’t care for me. I prefer to leave it in the past. It’s not that I’m hiding anything from you, I… I don’t want to bring things from my old life into this one. I can sound like many people, do many things…”

2:00:53 Caleb: “Yeah, but it’s just been the one that I’ve heard when you think no one is listening. Is that your past?”

Fjord: “Yeah. Yeah, it is.”

2:01:14 Caleb: “I have dealt heavily with my past. And I worry now more than ever that it is nipping at my heels. Do you have worries like that? Do you feel like your past will come back to bite you, or it is just painful, and you wish to shun it? Because that is the main reason I ask. This is our… family now, and we are looking out for each other, and I have told all of you something I am very ashamed of because I worry about you all. And maybe I just want to know that you are not worried about something like that as well. I want to know what’s at my back.”

2:02:11 Fjord, taking a deep breath and struggling for words: “You are right. You have been very forthcoming. I admire that, especially given what you’ve told us. There is nothing that nips at my heels or is at my back that is of danger to anyone else in this group. I appreciate you wanting to know more. I almost resent you for… telling us as much as you have. Anyone for sharing their pain.

Fjord: Seems like the last thing I would ever want to do, and to see it done with such… conviction? Resistance? I’ll try. Give me some time. I do not want to share this with the group. I feel like sometimes you hold onto things that make you who you are, and if you lose those things, you can fall free.”

2:03:44 Caleb: “I have had those same thoughts for a long time. We can remake ourselves into something better.”

2:04:00 Fjord: “Yeah, that’s what I- That’s what I thought I was doing. I promise you here and now: there is no danger from my past. I like this me. I love it. If I would have my way none of you would ever know anything about who I was before, and I mean that. I find myselves on my heels in this room. Please understand I am not trying to be deceptive. Just let me figure out how the fuck to say it, and let me come to you, and I will feel less like I have been… less like I’ve had something taken from me. Let me find a way to tell you. Please.”

Caleb: “Um… Alright. That’s fair. The only reason people in this group know anything about me is because I am… crazy.”

Fjord: “I actually don’t think you’re crazy. You’re one of the more put together people I know.”

Caleb softly, disbelievingly laughs.

2:05:33 Fjord: “Least that’s what I see. It’s what you show. Thank you for… I was gonna say caring.”

Caleb: “That’s accurate. Give me your hand. I am not a good person, but we are friends. We are friends.”

Fjord: “We are friends.”

Caleb: “Alright. To be continued.”

2:06:07


If you enjoy my work, consider supporting me through ko-fi, Patreon, or my shop. I’m severely disabled and it all helps justify my time spent on this project. Learn more about how and why to support me.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.