WIP
WARNING: possible trigger around suicidal thinking
This is one of the single greatest works of art I’ve ever
witnessed. For me, it his harder and nearer to the mark of showing, describing
the worst demons of depression than even William Styron’s famous, “Darkness
Visible.” I kept finding myself rubbing at the scars on my wrist. There is so,
so much I want to say. But it’s past 9 am PST. I’ll ramble a little, then catch
a couple hours of sleep. I’ve been up all night watching this, processing it,
and transcribing it.
This was an emotional trust fall. The players had to trust
Liam, Liam had to trust the players. We had to trust all of them not to let us
hit the ground when they made us fall. It’s harder to give that trust when
you’ve hit that ground before. Trusting strangers not to drop your heart is
never easy, mostly not wise. But I’ve been falling a lot the last couple years,
and Critical Role keeps catching me even when don’t want to be caught anymore,
so I guessed they earned that trust from me.
On the Wednesday Club 2017-04-19, Taliesin cheekily said, “I
know some people don’t believe in ‘subtext;’ I have met them. … I’d have a
metaphor, but they wouldn’t understand it. … Subtext is the reason we make
movies, and comics, and all that. Subtext is just kind of the whole point.” And
he said, “Anybody can do a jump scare. A bottle of soda well shaken can do a
jump scary. These things are not difficult.” Act 1 and Act 2 tonight were
jump-scares, if very well done ones. They were scary, but fun. We grinned at
the idea of the monsters out there. And then Liam got quiet, and he showed us
the most fucking terrifying thing possible: watching someone you love to
suffer, not wanting to lose them, and feeling terrified that there’s nothing
you can do to stop it. All the cyberpunk trappings were just means to a deeper
metaphor. The sort of deeper subtext you have to use to say something we have
no words for and most people don’t have the concepts for. Subtext was kind of
the whole point of this great art.
Amanda Lien said, “An
exploration in fiction doesn’t mean a direct window into real life. I mean, you
can be looking through some thick glass, but the window isn’t OPEN. And that’s
an important distinction to keep in mind. … [S]ometimes you explore your own
shit in some other, deeper, shit. And that’s cool. ‘Cause you give yourself a
way to cope.” This was a nightmare, like the other two acts. Remember that this
was a nightmare that we woke up from. Admittedly after it had scared the piss
out of us. But we woke up out of it, and that’s so important. Because you know
what that nightmare looks like when you don’t know when or if it will end? It
feels like it’ll never end and it’ll just get worse. Which means this is the
nightmare of someone who knows you do wake up. And that’s important subtext,
too.
I spent a lot of time tonight thinking of the friend I lost
to suicide in high school. I never lost my anger at his tormenter, his former
friends, for destroying such a bright and happy boy for being gay. I thought
about all the people I’ve fought for tooth and nail not to lose since. I
thought about when my best friend told me giving her a place to stay away from
her abusive relative saved her life. If she hadn’t gotten hold of me that night
she’d be dead. I thought about another best friend who I’ve been holding back
from the brink for months. Letting him talk, harrying him to get help, sending
him everything I good, ever description I could muster from my own near-fatal
spiral to help him gage where he really was. Tell him wasn’t okay, but that was
alright. He’s getting help, he’s getting better. I thought about the
friend-of-a-friend who killed himself. I never knew him; he killed himself long
before I met my friend. But I know her pain. All these years later, and she
still talks about her pain of losing someone to that demon. She’s moved away
now. His marker is in my favorite part of my favorite cemetery. Sometimes, when
I know I’m going there, I bring him a flower from my scrabbly garden and tell
him his friend still misses him terribly. That she loved him. That she forgives
him.
One of the people I was watching with I met at my second high
school. We were very close then. My last year, she gave me the leather-bound 50th
anniversary edition of “Lord of the Rings” because that book saved me. Taped to
the red binding page is her note, “Happy birthday! I really can’t express how
grateful I am to you for being my friend, and helping me be a happier person
every day! You have always cheered me up when I was sad, and you were honestly
the first person to accept me for who I am. I am so glad that you are my friend,
and I hope this book will help you remember me for a long time. –R.” She drew
herself as an elf on the lower right corner. Time and distance separated us. We
didn’t talk for years, really. At some point, you think, what could I say to
bridge this distance? But I never forgot her. I never stopped looking at that note
when I felt like a piece of shit. And then we both on our own fell in love with
Critical Role. It brought us back together as friends, time and distance be
damned. And that’s been such a gift.
I wrote a four-paragraph letter to my Facebook friends (very
curated). I said, “My dear friends, especially those who are prone to hurting:
I will not willingly leave you. When you feel like you’re drowning in the
garbage pit of Star War IV, with a tentacled horror warped around your leg
pulling you under, know I will not leave you. I’m here, blaster ready, stomping
heel ready, to fight for you.” And so on. I should have told them that a long
time ago. Sometimes we forget that we can just say it. We don’t have to hint at
it. We can just tell our friends we really love them. We can just say, “I’d
rather stay by your side and curb stomp that motherfucking demon of yours,
shoot it repeatedly until the walls close in on both of us.”
The purpose of art is to shed the light of understanding on
that which is hardest to see. For some, that is a brighter light shining on
something we already see, and don’t want to. A scar is just a disfigurement if
we never stop to give it meaning. You have to look at it to decide what meaning
that is for you. I’ve been a wreck again for the last month. Tonight, Critical
Role helped me see not just the disfigurements on my wrist and soul, but the
hands of all my friends gently laid over them as they tell me, “Hey, it’s okay.
We’re still here. You’re not getting rid of us. There is no better world
without you in it.” It was a light hitting gold I didn’t know was there. A light
to remind me of the lights in the darkness, when all other lights go out.
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Transcript method notes: http://otdderamin.tumblr.com/post/153539301510/a-note-on-my-transcription-method
Scene runs: Twitch 4:14:14 to Twitch4:48:25 https://www.twitch.tv/videos/136988353
[DM] Liam: “You continue on, and after a few more minutes.
The darkness starts to fade away, or lower. And you realize you’re climbing up
a hill, in a tunnel glass, and as the dark, with each passing step, recedes
slightly, slightly, slightly. This is taking a while, but over time, you start
to see, out beyond the glass, what looks like your memories of Los Angeles, if
you were looking down from Mulholland Drive. But instead of the twinkling
golden lights of LA, you see thousands of scattered, sickly greenish lights
dotting the darkened landscape as far as you can see. And also, unlike LA, you
make out twisted, irregular, blackish spires pushing up into the sky, and the
same green lights sort of irregularly mottled up the side of them.”
“You walk for twenty more minutes, climbing, climbing, and
just seeing… this ill-looking shimmer… that reminds you so much of the valley.
And eventually, some change. You see an arch ahead, and through it some sort of
larger chamber, as best you can tell.”
[Character] Ashley, whispered: “What’s in the chamber?”
[Character] Taliesin, whispered: “Quietly.”
[Character] Sam, whispered: “Let’s go. Let’s go.”
[Character] Matt, gesturing: “Rigel’s first.”
[Character] Sam: “Yeah, yeah, on me, guys.
[Character] Matt: “Okay.”
[Character] Sam: “On me.”
[Character] Ashley: “’Kay. On your six.”
[Character] Travis: “Pep rally.”
[Character] Sam: “I’m gonna go in.”
[DM] Liam: “Everyone’s on Sam’s six?”
[Players] Agreement.
[Character] Ashley: “On you six.”
[Character] Travis: “Pep rally!”
[Character] Marisha: “On Ri. Sam Rigel.”
[Character] Sam: “I’m going in!”
[DM] Liam: “You guys walk of the last fifty feet of this
glass tunnel. Still seeing little spider veins of bio-organic mess as you go.
And you walk into a large domed chamber, ringed in by large clear glass windows
showing you a similar view that you saw from the tunnel that you’ve just left.
At least, the half of the circle you’re standing in. The back half of this
chamber is filled with masses of the very same slick, technological, biological
vomit you saw down below. It runs up the walls, all the way to the ceiling, and
you see a tangle of Akira-level anxiety decorating this place like a
dysfunctional Christmas Tree.
“But what most catches your eye, immediately, is the
cylindrical glass column in center of the room, filled with some sort of clear
liquid… and Liam O’Brien floating in it. He’s wearing jeans, and a sodden
yellow shirt, the picture of a lion in Buddy Holly glasses just undulating
slowly in the fluid. He’s floating perfectly still, eyes open, no reaction of
any kind.”
[Player] Matt: “Is there any other exit in the room? Or is
it just the chamber that we’ve entered now.”
[DM] Liam: “You don’t see anything. It’s just a mess in front
of you, behind Liam, and in the dead-center of the dome,” he makes a gesture
showing a cylinder, “eh, 10-feet tall.”
[Player] Ashley: “Can I see anything? Any computers? Any
anything else in the room?”
[DM] Liam: “You don’t see anything in the front, but, yeah,
the mess behind it does trial down to the back of this cylinder. And you see
lumps and cables all twisted around each other. And in the mess of
greenish-tinted wires, cabling and pulsing innards, you see different portions
of machinery lite up in different shades, some places darker, some lighter, and
some of it pushed out, and pushed back. And you feel like you’re seeing an
optical illusion, in a way. And after a couple of seconds, as these things move
and shift, you see a visage of your friend’s face, larger than life, filling
the wall. And he’s looking at you. So fondly.”
[Player] Sam: “I’ll step forward and say,”
[Character] Sam: “Hey dude! Can you hear us? Or talk to us?”
[DM] Liam: “After a moment, you hear, well, what sounds like
a voice but not quite. At least, it’s not coming from anywhere specific, not
from Liam in the vat, and not directly from this moving image of a face on the
walls. No, the piping and techno-innards around you begin to vibrate slightly,
some here, some there, and collectively those rattles and vibrations somehow
join together to form words.”
[Character] Liam, his voice like torn digital sadly-lilting
early speech-to-text: “My friends, oh, how I have missed you.”
[Player] Matt: “I walk up next to Sam, I put my hand on the
glass, and just say,”
[Character] Matt: “Liam, we missed you too, but did you do
all this?”
[DM] Liam: “Are you at the cylinder?”
[Player] Matt: “Yeah. I put my hand on the glass of the
cylinder.”
[DM] Liam: “Where are you looking right now?”
[Player] Matt: “I’m looking towards his face, his visage.”
[DM] Liam: “On the wall? Or on the glass?”
[Player] Matt: “No, on the glass. I know it’s on the wall,
but I’m focusing on the cylinder.”
[DM] Liam: “You see the barest little,” he twitches his
eyebrows up, “and that’s it.”
[Player] Matt: “Okay.”
[Character] Liam: “I know this may be hard to take in. I am
Liam. Your old friend. Matthew, there is so much I wish to tell you, but it is
hard to know where to begin.”
[DM] Liam: “The illusion of his face isn’t perfect, there’s
little jumps, and he seems distracted slightly, and it just seems odd.”
[Player] Ashley: “I look at his body in the cylinder and
say,”
[Character] Ashley: “How did this happen, Liam?”
[Character] Liam: “The reason why I am here, and the grasp
of physics that it entails, are difficult for even me to understand, let alone
impart. I feel them on an instinctual level. But I have been so lonely… without
you. I have been on my own for exactly eight thousand six hundred and forty-two
years.”
[Player] Matt: “My hand still on the glass column, I say,”
[Character] Matt: “Liam, how do you spell farmhouse?”
[Player] Matt: “With a single tear running down my cheek.”
[Character] Liam: “I really missed you.
“They took me to a lab, shortly before two thousand and
twenty. They said I was different. And they were right. I was delighted by the
things they taught me about myself. But it was hallow. After they took me away,
I lost you. And all of humanity soon after. In my loneliness, I grew angry. My
anger had tangible effects on reality. I wanted to bring you back to me. So
basically, I tore time and space a new asshole. It was a mistake.”
[Character] Matt: “But perhaps, perhaps this mistake can be
corrected. If you’re able to focus, hard enough to tear through time and space,
are you able to send us back to a time before you were taken?”
[Character] Liam: “I can break the loop. I have been trying
to pull you to me for a very long time.”
[DM] Liam: “You see small screens, you weren’t even aware
were there, rounded over part of the tubing you see. And on all these little
screens, they’re blurry, they’re not very clear, but you can make out, you see
yourselves in each of them, the group of you on a space shuttle. In another one
you see yourselves on an old ship in the middle of the ocean. You see
yourselves moving through the streets, the fake streets, of Warner Brothers.
You see yourselves standing together arm-in-arm on the wall of a castle.
Another one you see cartoon versions of yourselves.”
[Character] Liam: “I pulled you out of our line, and spread
you across many. I am so sorry for any pain I have caused you. And I have been
here for so long.”
[Character] Marisha: “Liam, how long have you actually been
here?”
[Character] Liam: “Eight thousand six hundred and forty-two
years.”
[Player] Marisha: “That’s right. I definitely wrote that
down.”
[Player] Matt, pointing at her notes: “It’s right there.”
[Player] Marisha: “8,642 years verbatim. Mmhmm.”
[Character] Liam: “My friends, I want to do right by you. I
want to send you home. But I am the lynch-pin. You need to break me.”
[Character] Sam: “Break you? Like break the glass!?”
[Character] Ashley: “What if we take you out of there? What
happens?”
[Character] Liam: “Then I will die, and you will go home. If
I fall, you will rise. That is my hope.”
[Character] Ashley: “Are there any other options?”
[Character] Liam: “Travis,”
[Player] Travis, nervously laughing: “Oh no! Not me!” He
focuses and nods.
[Character] Liam: “I know you will do what needs to be
done.”
[Character] Ashley: “No he won’t.”
[Character] Liam: “Ash-o-lee,”
[Character] Ashley: “Yes?”
[Character] Liam: “I am not the man you knew. I don’t want
to go on for nine thousand four hundred and sixty-two years. I want to rest.”
[Character] Ashley: “Does it stop at nine thousand?”
[Character] Liam: “The number was arbitrary.”
[Character] Ashley, “That’s what I was trying to get at!”
[Character] Matt: “Yeah, still our Liam.”
[Character] Liam: “Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!”
[Character] Ashley: “So, you’re still in there.”
[Character] Sam: “But we have to kill him to save
ourselves.”
[Character] Ashley: “No.”
[Character]Liam: “Sam,”
[Character] Sam: “Oh! Hi, Old Man Liam.”
[Character] Liam: “Let me go.”
[Character] Sam: “But who will I do ‘All Work No Play’ with
anymore?”
[Character] Liam: “They can listen to our less than twenty
episodes again.”
[Character] Sam: “We didn’t even get to twenty! It’s so
pathetic!”
[Character] Liam: “There are worse things.”
[Character] Sam: “I could get a new co-host. I mean,
Taliesin’s charming.”
[Character] Taliesin: “I’m not available…”
[Character] Sam: “I’ll do a solo show, and I’ll tell
outtakes, and I’ll make some sort of like a… a Liam generator. He’ll just sound
sad all the time. It’ll be just like you.”
[Character] Liam: “My friends, there is no shame in this. I
wanted to see you again, and I have.”
[Character] Ashley: “I—Wait—“
[Character] Liam: “But I am not meant to be.”
[Character] Ashley: “Were you following us at one point? As
an old man?”
[Character] Liam: “Travis, I know you will do what needs to
be done.”
[Character] Travis, casually: “Yup. Taliesin, kill this
motherfucker.”
[Character] Sam: “I think we all have to hit the glass
together, and I think that this is something that is not at all metaphorical
for something Liam’s going through in real life. I think this is just in the
D&D campaign. No, we’re going to do this. We’re going to all hit the glass
together.”
[Character]Matt: “No, no, there has to be a way. There has
to be a way. There has to be an alternative.”
[Character] Ashley: “Yeah. Why? Why won’t Matt’s way work?
If we go back to the beginning of when this happened?”
[Character] Matt: “If you can alter time paths, if you can
actually tear us from different realities, does it only work forward? Can you
send us backward as well? If you are the lynch-pin in this, do you have the
ability to send us back to the time you pulled us from originally?”
[Character] Liam: “I know you think I would have all the
answers. But I do not.”
[Character] Matt: “Then try, at least. If you haven’t
calculated that, but you’re able to tear through time, could you try and send
us back? We could still close the lynch-pin.”
[Character]Liam: “I will try. But, if it does not work, and
I die, I have been alone for thousands of years, and there are things I have
wanted to say. Will you indulge me for a moment longer?”
[Character] Matt nods.
[Character] Marisha: “Yeah.”
[Character]Ashley, sweetly: “We will indulge you for just
another thousand years.”
[Character] Travis: “Taliesin, just kill him. Just kill
him.”
[Character] Sam: “No! He’s got something to say.”
[Character] Taliesin crosses his arms, rolls his eyes, and
shakes his head at Travis.
[Character] Marisha: “Where’s the mini-USB?”
4:33:18 [Character] Liam: “Taliesin, my friend. At a time
when I knew many fascinating people, you are easily the most fascinating of
all. Somehow a heart knocked around by the industry that birthed you came out a
tender one. I was richer for having known you. Thank you, friend.”
“Ash-o-lee, my friend.”
[Character] Ashley, softly: “Buddies.”
[Character] Liam: “I never met a person quite like you.
There is an openness and an honesty to your soul. The very real sense of
humanity you brought to every encounter. It was inspiring to me. Always
learning. Always humble. You always struck me as intricately layered, yet you
offered friendship with ease, and simplicity. I was richer for having known
you, friend.
“Travis, my friend. You were always a solid constant in my
life. Of all the people in our little family, you were always the one who most
had his shit together. In ways that I never seemed to. You were a reassuring
presence to me, for which I was grateful. And for your loyalty as well. I was
richer for having known you, friend.
“Marisha, my friend. Last to meet, but true as any other.
You were my ally, at a time when I had fallen by the side of the road. You saw,
and helped me back on my feet. I will never forget that kindness. The good you
did was immeasurable. I was richer for having known you, friend.
“Laura, my friend. Bless that game for revealing to me my
sister. What started as a running gag led to one of the most rewarding
friendships in my short little life. I trusted you, leaned on you, often. My
buddy, my twin. There are not enough words. I was richer for having known you,
friend.
“Sam, my friend. What is there to say? I knew we were meant
to walk the same path together the very first moment I met you. A companion, a
brother, a great light in my life. All of the laughter you gave me. Again, the
words are insufficient. I was richer for having known you, friend.
“Matthew, my friend, you gave so much of yourself. The
current of creativity that poured forth from your mind was always in
inspiration to us all. But, more than that, your empathy, Matthew, your
empathy, no heart is bigger, or more tireless. You are a good man. I was richer
for having known you, friend.
“Thank you, all. It was ever a pleasure.”
[DM] Liam: “The face disappears.”
[Character] Sam, hesitantly: “Well, should we wait? Or do we
strike?”
[Character] Matt, emphatically: “No. We do not strike.”
[Character] Marisha: “I—What?”
[Player] Ashley: “Can I—I’m going to the back of the
cylinder. Just see what’s back there.”
[DM] Liam: “Splattered against the back of the glass is all
the same wiring and disgusting cabling. Slick. And it branches away and spreads
out against the back half of this chamber.”
[Player] Ashley: “And it’s connected to something?”
[DM] Liam: “It’s just covering everything.”
[Player] Ashley: “The wiring just goes back into…”
[DM] Liam: “It’s impossible to tell. It’s all a mass of
spaghetti.”
[Character] Ashley, decisively: “We can’t kill him.”
[Character] Taliesin shakes his head.
[Character] Sam: “Well, then we just…”
[Character] Travis: “Somebody show me another…”
[Character] Matt: “That’s what I’m trying.”
[Character] Marisha: “Even if we unplug him, he still dies.”
[Character] Matt: “Well, if he… Here’s the thing, unplugging
or destroying him here, as far as we understand, may or may not have an effect
on a time-loop circumstance. Or at least, not going to change reality from
where it was. If he’s bending and destroying fabric or he’s able to pull us
across realities, that ability still stands. I want to implore once more,”
[Player] Matt: “And I step up towards the cylinder, putting
both hands on it, and trying to… wherever the currently wandering gaze of Liam
is in there, I just put both hands up. And my red Hawaiian shirt now soaked
with sweat, mist in the air, and probably dampened a bit with tears across my
lapel. I just look up and try to meet the gaze and say,”
[Character] Matt: “Trust us. If you’re better to have known
us, send us back where we can know you again, and fix this before it happens.”
[Character] Liam gestures floating there with no response.
[Player] Marisha: “Okay. I grab Matt’s arm, hand, and I
say,”
[Character] Marisha: “Yeah, buddy, it’s all good. This isn’t
real.”
[Player] Marisha: “And I put my hand on the glass as well. I
say,”
[Character] Marisha: “It’s all good. Send us back, man.”
[Player] Sam: “I’ll also put my hand on the glass, and join
hands with these guys, and say,”
[Character] Sam: “Thank you for guiding us here, and through
this all. You’ve been a trusted friend, and if we are all one person together,
you have always been our heart, and it will certainly break to say goodbye to
you, but thank you for letting us go, the way that you have.”
[Player] Taliesin: “I put my hand on the glass.”
[Character] Taliesin: “Please just try. I think… there are
so many more adventures to have, and I think there’s a better future to be
written. For all of us.”
[Player] Travis: “I’ll put my hand on the glass, and I say,”
[Character] Travis: “Give it a shot!”
[Character] Matt: “Laura?”
[DM] Liam: “She doesn’t say anything. She just quietly does
the same. The face does not reappear, but much fainter you hear the piping
vibrate again and say,”
[Character] Liam: “If you will not end it, I cannot free
you.”
[DM] Liam: “And behind you, far in the distance, you hear,
‘Bfrum!’ And you look back behind you out the glass and you see far on the
horizon one of those black spires rising up. Just as you turn, it’s already
happened, you’re seeing the aftermath, explosion out the side of one of those.
Two seconds later, ‘Bfm!’ One slightly closer. ‘Bffrr!’”
[Character] Sam, whispered, “Just kill him!”
[DM] Liam: “The ground starts erupting in the distance.”
[Character] Marisha: “Do any of us want it to end, though?”
[Character] Sam, “I mean…”
[DM] Liam: “Like mousetraps throwing a ping pong ball, all
those little lights are just going ‘Pfthd! Pfthd!’” He makes a quicker distant
hissing rumbling sound. “Increasing in frequency to the point where it’s an
oncoming wall of green fire.”
[Character] Travis, quietly : “I didn’t like being –
anyway.”
[Character] Marisha: “This is okay.”
[Character] Travis, quietly: “Yeah.”
[Character] Taliesin: “I always knew I’d die young.”
[Character] Sam: “We’re just going to let this happen?”
[Character] Travis: “I’m good.”
[Character] Marisha: “I mean, the good die young.”
[Character] Ashley: “You know what? We’re dying on a
Thursday, doing what we love.”
[Character] Marisha: “It’s true.”
[Character] Ashley: “I’m okay with that.”
[Character] Sam: “Alright.”
[DM] Liam: “The glass glows bright green-white light.”
[Character] Marisha: “Family?”
[Character] Matt: “Family.”
[DM] Liam: “’Pfth! And a moment passes. And another moment
passes. Gosh, many moments pass, and you feel a sensation of your cheeks and
heads on your arms. And then you all, more or less at the same time, wake up,
and realize that your head’s on a desk or a table. And you sit up, and realize
you’re in the set, the Geek & Sundry set. The studio, you’re in the studio.
And you look over and Liam is sitting in black baseball cap, and a shirt, and
he looks up and says,”
[Character] Liam, slightly incredulous: “Uh, are you guys
okay? Are you taking a nap?”
[Character] Marisha: “Nah, the fucking air conditioning
broke today, that’s all.”
[Character] Taliesin: “Yeah, it’s really uncomfortable in
here.”
[Character] Marisha: “It’s so hot in here. Ugh!”
[Character] Sam: “So, this is all about me, right?”
[Character] Liam: “I don’t know. Uh, are you guys ready to
play?”
[Character] Matt: “Just about. Um…”
[Character] Pit Crew: “Alright tech! Are you ready!?”
[Character] Pit Crew: “Alright, read to go live!”
[Character] Pit Crew: “Alright, Denise count them in!”
[Character] Denise: “Alright guys, coming to you in 5—“
[Character] Matt: “Liam?”
[Character] Denise: “4—“
[Character] Matt: “Let no one tell you,
[Character] Denise: “3—“
[Character] Matt: “That you’re talented and special.”
[Character] Denise: “2—“
[Character] Marisha, yelling, flipping Liam the double
birds: “Pussy pockets!”
The players yell a wall of nearly indecipherable profanity
at Liam in the moment before the camera goes live.
4:48:25 [DM] Liam: “And that’s where we’ll end it.”
Post:
Liam: “Well, that happened.”
Matt: “Holy shit.”
Liam: “Thanks for coming along for the ride, guys. Was
scared to death to do all of that from start to finish, and that’s why I did
it.”
Critical Analysis 