Transcript: Network D&D Beyond Ad – Critical Role C2 Ep072 0:27:55

This is a double transcript of the famous Mad As Hell scene from the 1972 film Network and the Critical Role C2 Ep072 D&D Beyond ad that parodies is. I’ll first present them separately and then line by line so you can see exactly what they changed.

Network

Scene runs: 0:53:36 to 0:57:37
Video clip: I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore! Speech from Network

Howard Beale: “I don’t have to tell you things are bad. Everybody knows things are bad. It’s a depression, everybody’s out of work or scared of losing their job, the dollar buys a nickel’s worth, banks are going bust, shopkeepers keep a gun under the counter, punks are running wild in the street, and there’s nobody anywhere seems to know what to do, and there’s no end to it. We know the air is unfit to breathe and our food is unfit to eat. And we sit watching our TVs while some local news caster tells us today we had 15 homicides, and 63 violent crimes, as if that’s the way it’s supposed to be.

“We know things are bad. Worse than bad, they’re crazy. It’s like everything everywhere is going crazy so we don’t go out anymore. We sit in the house and slowly the world we’re living in is getting smaller and all we say is, ‘Please, at least leave us alone in our living rooms. Let me have my toaster, and my TV, and my steel-belted radials, and I won’t say anything. Just leave us alone.’ Well, I’m not going to leave you alone. I want you to get mad. I don’t want you to protest, I don’t want you to riot, and I don’t want you to write to your congressmen because I wouldn’t know what to tell you to write. I don’t know what to do about the depression, and the inflation, and the Russians, and the crime in the street. All I know is that first you’ve got to get mad! You’ve gotta say, ‘I’m a human being, goddamnit! My life has value!’

Standing up, “So, I want you to get up now. I want all of you to get up out of your chairs. I want you to get up right now and go to the window, open it, and stick your head out, and yell, ‘I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not gonna take this anymore!” Walking around the desk and out of the set towards the camera, “I want you to get up right now. Get up, go to your windows, open them, and stick your head out, and yell, ‘I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not gonna take this anymore!’ Things have got to change! But first, you’ve gotta get mad! You’ve gotta say, ‘I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not gonna take this anymore!’ Then we’ll figure out what to do about the depression and the inflation and the oil crisis! But first get up out of your chairs, open the window, stick your head out and yell and say, ‘I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not gonna take this anymore!'”

0:57:37

Critical Role C2 Ep072

Scene runs: Twitch 0:27:55 to 0:30:58
Video: Critical Role Campaign 2, Episode 72 

Twitch 0:27:55 Liam: “Cut he music, please. Cut the music! Listen, folks, I don’t have to tell you things are bad. Everybody knows things are bad under Riegel’s stewardship of D&D Beyond. The bits are getting longer, and the prep time is getting shorter. misinformed players are getting TPKed across the globe. Matthew Mercer is hiding from silly string under the table. His wife is punching players left and right, and there’s nobody anywhere who seems to know what to do, and there’s no end to it.

“We know the spots are unfit for broadcast, and the details are factually incoherent, and we sit here watching our Twitch accounts while this organ grinder money would have us believe that D&D Beyond is about the yucks, and how many dicks we can slide into the conversation, as if that’s the way it’s supposed to be. We know things are bad. Worse than bad, they’re crazy! It’s like everything everywhere’s going crazy and nobody questions it anymore. We sit at our tables and slowly the game we enjoy is turning into romper room, and all we can do is say, ‘Please, I love this game so much. Just give me my half-orc, and hit dice, I promise I’ll listen to this madman’s wine preferences and awful accent work week after week if just Critical Role gives me 10 minutes of actual gameplay this week, I guess that’s enough.’

“But I say, that’s not enough. I want you to get mad! I don’t want you to riot, I don’t want you to protest, I don’t want you to write to Chris Perkins because I don’t know what to tell you to write. I don’t know what to do about this man’s ignorance of rogue mechanics, or the flagrant firbolg shooting, or the collusion with England, or the constant ego fluffing. All I know is that first you’ve got to get mad. You’ve got to stand up and say, ‘I’m a D&D Beyond user goddamn it, these stats have value!

“So, I want you all to get up.” Liam stands up, pointing at the camera, “I want you to get up out of your chairs.” Cut to mobile camera and turn towards it pointing. “All of you, right now, I want you to go and spam the Twitch chat!” Liam lunges for the camera, holding it, and taking into it super close, “Get up, and hammer that election box with your Johnson! I want you to create disgruntled fanart! I want you to get up and grab your computer, enable voice to text, and I want you to yell! I want you to yell, ‘I’m mad! Mad!’ I want you to yell, ‘I’m mad as hell, and I’m not going to take Sam anymore!’ Mordenkainen is rolling in his grave!”

0:30:58

Line by line

Network: “I don’t have to tell you things are bad. Everybody knows things are bad.”

CR: “Cut he music, please. Cut the music! Listen, folks, I don’t have to tell you things are bad. Everybody knows things are bad under Riegel’s stewardship of D&D Beyond.”

Network: “It’s a depression, everybody’s out of work or scared of losing their job, the dollar buys a nickel’s worth, banks are going bust, shopkeepers keep a gun under the counter, punks are running wild in the street, and there’s nobody anywhere seems to know what to do, and there’s no end to it.”

CR: “The bits are getting longer, and the prep time is getting shorter. misinformed players are getting TPKed across the globe. Matthew Mercer is hiding from silly string under the table. His wife is punching players left and right, and there’s nobody anywhere who seems to know what to do, and there’s no end to it.”

Network: “We know the air is unfit to breathe and our food is unfit to eat. And we sit watching our TVs while some local news caster tells us today we had 15 homicides, and 63 violent crimes, as if that’s the way it’s supposed to be.”

CR: “We know the spots are unfit for broadcast, and the details are factually incoherent, and we sit here watching our Twitch accounts while this organ grinder money would have us believe that D&D Beyond is about the yucks, and how many dicks we can slide into the conversation, as if that’s the way it’s supposed to be.”

Network: “We know things are bad. Worse than bad, they’re crazy. It’s like everything everywhere is going crazy so we don’t go out anymore. We sit in the house and slowly the world we’re living in is getting smaller and all we say is, ‘Please, at least leave us alone in our living rooms. Let me have my toaster, and my TV, and my steel-belted radials, and I won’t say anything. Just leave us alone.'”

CR: “We know things are bad. Worse than bad, they’re crazy! It’s like everything everywhere’s going crazy and nobody questions it anymore. We sit at our tables and slowly the game we enjoy is turning into romper room, and all we can do is say, ‘Please, I love this game so much. Just give me my half-orc, and hit dice, I promise I’ll listen to this madman’s wine preferences and awful accent work week after week if just Critical Role gives me 10 minutes of actual gameplay this week, I guess that’s enough.'”

Network: “Well, I’m not going to leave you alone. I want you to get mad. I don’t want you to protest, I don’t want you to riot, and I don’t want you to write to your congressmen because I wouldn’t know what to tell you to write.

CR: “But I say, that’s not enough. I want you to get mad! I don’t want you to riot, I don’t want you to protest, I don’t want you to write to Chris Perkins because I don’t know what to tell you to write.”

Network: “I don’t know what to do about the depression, and the inflation, and the Russians, and the crime in the street. All I know is that first you’ve got to get mad! You’ve gotta say, ‘I’m a human being, goddamnit! My life has value!'”

CR: “I don’t know what to do about this man’s ignorance of rogue mechanics, or the flagrant firbolg shooting, or the collusion with England, or the constant ego fluffing. All I know is that first you’ve got to get mad. You’ve got to stand up and say, ‘I’m a D&D Beyond user goddamn it, these stats have value!”

Network: Beale stands up. “So, I want you to get up now. I want all of you to get up out of your chairs. I want you to get up right now and go to the window, open it, and stick your head out, and yell, ‘I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not gonna take this anymore!”

CR: “So, I want you all to get up.” Liam stands up, pointing at the camera, “I want you to get up out of your chairs.”

Network: Beale walks around the desk and out of the set towards the camera, “I want you to get up right now. Get up, go to your windows, open them, and stick your head out, and yell, ‘I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not gonna take this anymore!’ Things have got to change!”

CR: Cut to mobile camera, Liam turns towards it pointing. “All of you, right now, I want you to go and spam the Twitch chat!”

Network: “But first, you’ve gotta get mad! You’ve gotta say, ‘I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not gonna take this anymore!’ Then we’ll figure out what to do about the depression and the inflation and the oil crisis! But first get up out of your chairs, open the window, stick your head out and yell and say, ‘I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not gonna take this anymore!'”

CR: Liam lunges for the camera, holding it, and taking into it super close, “Get up, and hammer that election box with your Johnson! I want you to create disgruntled fanart! I want you to get up and grab your computer, enable voice to text, and I want you to yell! I want you to yell, ‘I’m mad! Mad!’ I want you to yell, ‘I’m mad as hell, and I’m not going to take Sam anymore!’ Mordenkainen is rolling in his grave!”


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